November 19, 2009
If you think of me as someone who thinks of others and cares about the needs of loved ones, you're right...but there is more to me than that. I can also be incredibly selfish, critical, and egocentric. If you don't believe me, just ask Eric. And he doesn't even know it to the full extent.
Only I do.
I'm serious. Aren't we the most vicious to our partners? When you get to that point of treating them like shit, and they stay, you know you've found that "someone special."
It's important to come to terms with these things. Realizing all aspects of myself is leading me out of denial. I am admitting my faults, and it is freeing!
Here's the point where you get to know me really well. I'm going to explain to you why I am selfish, critical of others, apathetic and egocentric.
(I also realize there is a fine line between noticing the differences between myself and others and not judging, as well as the difference between self-love and being "into" yourself).
Sometimes I think I am the best at everything. That I know it all. Why should I fully listen to advice when I "already know" what to do? In some occasions I even look down at people when they say things that are so common sense (like, duh!). Isn't that terrible?!
It's the truth. It's what I do.
Selfishness...yuck. This is a bad one.
Sometimes I feel like I "deserve" more than what I have. I feel like my needs are most important and get really pissy if they're not met. Downright pissed-off, I tell you. I get really irritated when I can't get what I want when I want it. And I get downright MEAN if I lose my patience. Look out. I throw tantrums. It isn't pretty.
I also have a habit of caring most about my own happiness. So much so that I often don't care about my partners needs. There have been many times when I have dismissed Eric's wants, concerns, ideas and suggestions because of what I wanted.
Do I seem like a positive, happy go lucky gal? Well, I'm not always...
There are times when I complain about what I have. I want more. A horse. To only play my guitar. Knee high black leather boots. A new dress. To be able to get a coffee and cookie at a cafe every day. Nothing can ever be enough if you only want more.
Well here's what I DO have:
A beautiful, thriving baby girl and a partner who is in-love with me.
A complete set of healthy family members on either side including step-family and Eric's side.
A really cool dog.
I live in Portland (come on, that's just rad).
Here's what a typical day looks like:
I wake up with my fiance and little girl all snuggled up in one bed, every morning.
Eric and I take turns making breakfast and walking our dog, Redwood, while Ella plays on the living room floor with her toys.
We eat together, drink coffee, feed Ella tidbits and check our email.
Eric hangs around home until 11:45 before heading to the office to get there by noon.
Ella and I hang out, she takes her morning nap and I clean/check Facebook/write.
She and I walk Red in the early part of the afternoon and just hang out together. She heads down for her afternoon nap around 2 and I usually join her for at least half of it.
We get up, I feed Red, make a snack for myself and we play until around 5 when I start preparing dinner.
Eric gets home around 5:30 and we all eat dinner together.
Afterwards, Eric plays with Ella so I can get more writing and socializing done online.
Ella heads to bed around 8 and Eric and I spend time together after that.
The best part: Eric, Ella AND Redwood love me SO much. And I love them so much too.
I realized today how good I have it.
I mean I really understood just how good I have it.
Having love, a healthy family, food on your plate, a roof over your head...it means a lot. It means a lot more than I ever knew.
No matter how much or how little we have, we'll always have that. We'll have our love, and hopefully our health.
I have taken for granted the health of my loved ones.
I have never fully understood (or accepted) what it means to "appreciate what you have, because others have far less."
I get it now.
It came to me in a sudden moment.
Ella was sitting in the sink clanging things together while I was getting ready to go out for a drink with some girlfriends.
I had just chopped fresh vegetables and the smell of cooking brown rice was steaming up through the pot on the stove.
She looked at me and smiled and I looked at our family picture on the fridge. We're all smiling so big in it. It's darling.
And while I glanced over each of our faces, it just hit me. It was like breaking the sound barrier. Boom! Then quiet. Like a flash of really, really bright light.
I thought, 'whoa...so this is what appreciation feels like.'
I also thought, 'damn, I've got it good,' and 'I am so lucky.'
I can't believe I didn't cry. Am on the verge now...
It is very important to me that I share this with you.
You've got to know that I'm not perfect and I know it, but that I'm working on being better for myself and everyone I come in close contact with.
There was a time when I thought "personal development" was for a wimps. Now I know that it is part of every day life and we just continue to grow and get better with each day.
That was ego talking before. As if I know it all. As if!
I hope I have this type of experience over and over again throughout my lifetime. Maybe that's what it takes, the repetition of grateful thoughts, that will make it stick.
Thank you for reading. I have opened my heart. My heart is open to you.